At the age of 26 I was in a committed relationship, living abroad with a stable career and dreaming about someday soon becoming a mother. Then I lost my own mother to cancer. All of a sudden the thought of navigating the unchartered territory of parenting seemed much less appealing. Like many other women, my mom was the one I reached out to when I doubted myself, when I needed reassurance and advice or just someone to listen to my nonsense. I knew raising a child without my mother around was going to be tough but I thought it was going to be tough mostly because she wouldn’t be there to enjoy her grandchild. It was so much harder than I imagined.
In her book “Motherless Daughters”, Hope Edelmen writes:
“A husband can offer emotional support and a father a sense of family, but birthing is the business of women….This verbal legacy that passes from mother to daughter, and which daughters rely on for comparison and guidance. When the mother-daughter relationship is going well, the daughter depends on her mother to help her build self-confidence, asking for stories about her birth and early childhood and seeking encouragement that she can handle motherhood’s demands.”
Before I became pregnant I never thought to ask my mother about her pregnancy with me or what my birth was like. I remember the odd mention of it around my birthday but once I was having my own experience I had so many questions that only she would have been able to answer. I struggled with that emptiness. I was fortunate to have a really great pregnancy with no complications and very little discomforts but I can imagine that other motherless daughters who are experiencing difficulties might struggle with this even more. Perhaps it was my easy pregnancy pay-back when I had a colicky newborn for eight weeks. The early challenges with breastfeeding, a bout of thrush and a baby that needed constant holding, rocking and nursing meant that I had a difficult time not knowing what to do and felt it I had to really work hard at trusting my own instincts without my mom to consult.
Edelmen writes; “Pregnancy and the postpartum period can be bittersweet times for the motherless daughter, who feels closer to her mother as she becomes one but also feels an intense sadness as she confronts her loss again. As a milestone event in a woman’s life, childbirth-particularly with a first child-commonly triggers a new cycle of mourning for the lost mother, involving intense feelings of grief, sadness, anger or despair. The woman mourns not only the loss of her mother’s advice and support but also the loss of a grandmother for her child.”
Virtually no one can replace the emptiness of not having your mother during the prenatal and postpartum experience. I do believe that having a doula is key to making this transition a beautiful time when one can honour their mother and feel her closeness again. Perhaps grief can be felt in a more peaceful way with fond memories. It is my opinion that no one needs a doula more than a motherless daughter. If this is you PLEASE reach out to me. I feel your pain and I want you to know that you are not alone….I SEE YOU! xo
